Sexuality
A woman's sexuality or sexual practice is a personal choice.
Some examples of sexual practices which might be labelled as "problems"
by professionals (doctors, psychiatrists or social workers) include choosing
to have a series of sexual partners, no partner or a same sex partner.
When women are survivors of rape, "experts" often say that
these sexual practices are "problems" which are directly related
to the abuse. This may or may not be true. Sexual practices may be survival
strategies, life choices or simply a natural expression of who they are.
Deciding when and with whom you have sex and how far you go is the basic
right of every woman. When that right is denied, the power to decide is
diminished, or a woman is coerced, she may act out sexually as a way to
reclaim her sexual power. Pathologizing sexual behaviour as the "problem"
minimises the real problem, which is the abuse of power.
Women may or may not experience their sexual practices as problems. However,
women's sexual practices are often seen as deviant for patriarchal systems
which define what sexuality is "correct" and "healthy"
for women.
Promiscuity
Promiscuity refers to the practice of having sex with a series of partners.
When a woman chooses many sexual partners, she is often denigrated by
being labelled a "slut" or "nymphomaniac". Men are
seldom, if ever, referred to as promiscuous. They are more likely to be
rewarded for sexual conquests, made heroes and called "studs"
or "real" men. This form of sexual practice can be understood
as a way of life informed by a decision not to form intense or long term
sexual relationships.
This decision is not necessarily consciously "thought through",
and may or may not have positive consequences - as is the case with any
sexual choice.
It may be that in some cases promiscuity may relate to a lack of trust,
that is, a fear of being sexually and emotionally vulnerable to others.
This is sometimes the case when trust has been violated, for instance,
when women have experienced incest/rape as children. If trust is the issue
then promiscuity seems one among many rational responses to childhood
experiences of incest: a useful survival strategy. However, the sexual
choice to be promiscuous may have nothing to do with past abuse, or survival
strategies. Some women, who have not had rape experiences choose to have
a series of sexual partners. Whether related to abuse or not, the practice
of having several sexual partners is a valid life choice for any woman.
Celibacy
Celibacy is the deliberate choice to not have sexual relations
with others, not merely the time without sexual relations. This term is
also often used to denigrate women. Often women who choose celibacy are
referred to by some men as "frigid". This is probably because
it is difficult for many men to comprehend that a woman may choose to
refuse their sexual advances, let alone the sexual advances of any man.
"Experts" often see women's refusal to be involved in a sexual
relationship as a problem stemming from a rape experience. They may suggest
that celibate women secretly hate men, or secretly are afraid of men.
This may or may not be true. Again, celibacy may or may not be a strategic
response to a rape experience.
Whatever the reason for celibacy, the decision not to have sex with others
is a legitimate sexual choice. There are many reasons why women might
choose to be celibate at various times in their life. Celibacy has many
positive aspects for women. For instance, it can create a space for women
to develop and value non-sexual friendships.
Lesbianism
Lesbianism
is sexual relations between women. This too is a term often used to denigrate
women. Women who are referred to as lesbian or "dyke" may or
may not be lesbians. When used as a derogatory term, "lesbian"
often refers to women who:
- refuse men' s advances;
- do what are considered "men's" jobs;
- wear "non-feminine" clothes;
- "talk too much";
- are "bossy"; or
- are feminists.
Lesbianism is still seen by many as a problem. Assumptions that lesbians
hate men, or are afraid of men or that lesbianism is a "passing phase"
are inaccurate and misleading.
While men's violence may be a rational reason for women to choose women
rather than men as their sexual partners, this is only one of many reasons
why women might choose lesbianism. Importantly, lesbianism is usually
about the love of women, rather than a hatred or fear of men. It too is
a legitimate sexual choice which may or may not be related to sexual abuse.
Lesbianism is a refusal of sexual "norms". Whether or not individual
lesbians deliberately refuse these norms, lesbianism challenges the "normality"
of heterosexual relations and the patriarchal family.
Because so many women have been abused it is easy to make the mistake
of linking sexual practices with abuse. This linkage often occurs in "therapy",
where notions of what is deviant or sick depend upon the norms of hetero
patriarchy.
When findimg a support person, it often a good idea to look around and
ask them questions to see if they are likely to be helpful to you.
Rape is a gendered crime
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