What can I do to support a woman who has experience sexual violence?

If a woman chooses to tell you that she has been raped, then she is investing a lot of trust in you. Your responses are important… The attitudes and responses of the people closest to a woman who has been raped have the potential either to extend the crisis or to help her deal with it.’ (Brisbane Rape and Incest Survivors Support Centre, October 2002, Facts on Rape F.O.R. WOMEN, Brisbane, p. 26)

The value of relationship
It is important to remember that sexual violence is a crime in which perpetrators seek to control and dominate another person. It is therefore imperative to work in ways that promote a woman’s sense of power and control and to develop a relationship with a woman that does not reflect the dynamics that were/are present between the perpetrator and the woman.

Defining your own feelings
It is important to be mindful of your own feelings and reactions and to seek support from someone other than the woman who has experienced sexual violence. It is natural that you may feel shocked, angry, sad or confused (Or all of these at once!).

You may wonder whether she could have done something to prevent the sexual violence. You may feel a desire to confront or enact revenge on the perpetrator. You might feel a strong urge to ‘do something’ or have the woman ‘do something’. These are all common reactions.

It may be useful to reflect on the following questions:

How comfortable do I feel in responding to issues of sexual violence?
What tendencies may arise that could get in the way of supporting a woman? How would you work with these?
How will I manage my feelings when I am supporting a woman?
What support is available to me?

In supporting a woman who has experienced sexual violence it is important to…

Listen to her
Believe her and believe in her
Affirm her feelings and remember there is no right or wrong way to feel
Ask her “How can I help?’ or “Is there anything you need from me right now?”
Let her know that you are there for her /and acknowledge your limits
Encourage her to seek the support that feels right for her
Respect her decisions – she is the expert
Respect her privacy and her choices about what she discloses and to whom
Seek her permission before disclosing information about her to others
Recognise the trauma she has been through and the possible effects
Remind her that it was not her fault
Respect that she may wish to focus solely on herself and her needs for awhile
Be mindful, her healing may take time, space and energy

In supporting a woman who has experienced sexual violence it is important to avoid…

Ignoring what has happened to her
Blaming, accusing or judging her for the assault
Minimising her feelings
Taking charge or being over-protective
Pressing her for details about the assault or asking too many questions
Sympathising with or making threats towards the perpetrator
Insisting that she disclose to family, friends and/or the police
Pressuring her to seek support when she does not want to
Disclosing information about her to others without her permission
Being judgemental about her decisions, behaviour, response or pace of healing
Touching her without her permission
Offering support beyond your limitations
Expecting her to deal with your feelings or reactions